so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he was CRYING into my vagina
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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