Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
