Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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