I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
