Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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