It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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