I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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