Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
