First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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