And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
