I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
