apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
