nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
