My room smells like vodka and shame
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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