it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
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