Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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