he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
drinking out of a sandbucket again
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
