I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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