I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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