Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
