Even the bartender felt bad for me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
