I wish I could teleport
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
