My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
