i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
