Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
