What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
