When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
