In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
