The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
