all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
