dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
