You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Text me some of your sweat
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
