you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
