it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im holly from the hills drunk
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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