I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
