I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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