Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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