you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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