Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
