I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I love you. Go after that dick
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