checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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