i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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