On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
