I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
be right there i have to get my cape
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
