Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
