i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
