he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
