Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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