Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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