I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Randomize
